Grandma

It’s been a year now, and I still often dream of you. I dare not think about what happened a year ago today; it felt like the end of the world at that moment. That memory is not gray, but it’s not vivid either; everything feels like it’s in a dream, yet it’s not a dream.

I don’t believe in Jesus because, during that time, I prayed countless times, but miracles didn’t happen. Everything unfolded as if it was predetermined, happening and ending quickly. I was like a puppet controlled by fate, trapped in the drama, unable to do anything but pray.

Actually, from a few years ago, I had a growing fear in my heart. Sometimes I would think, “If you were to leave, what would I do?” I didn’t dare to continue thinking about it. I naively thought that scenario was still far away from me, but in that moment, everything I had imagined suddenly came crashing down on me like a landslide. Before I could even process it, those scenes had already become memories.

When I was little, I remember turning off the lights at night and being with you. You asked, “If Grandma were to pass away one day, what would you do?” I said, “Grandma, you’ll live for a long time!” After that night, I secretly cried because I really didn’t know what it would mean for me if you were to leave.

Every holiday, I would go to your place to stay. I called it “Grandma’s house” because I was closer to you. Even now, I occasionally still refer to Grandpa’s house as Grandma’s house, despite your absence.

I remember that during holidays, my happiest moments were waking up every morning, staring at the sunbeam that shone from the living room into the bedroom, and listening to your conversations with Grandpa. You both thought I was still asleep and couldn’t hear you. Sometimes, after having a nightmare, I would wake up and hear your conversations, and suddenly I felt like I could live in a beautiful reality. Grandma’s house, to me, was not just a home; it was like a harbor for my soul.

But now, everything is gone. My spiritual home has disappeared.

So, I had to force myself to grow up and mature. From that moment on, I was no longer a child. From that moment on, I was no longer afraid of any adventure or difficulties. No matter how big the challenges, they couldn’t knock me down. I know you can’t be with me for the rest of my life, and since I couldn’t change reality, I had to accept it and change myself.

Now I’m in the United States, and everything is fine. I still remember your last wish, and I will fulfill it.